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When I was 11 years old, my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer…the doctors gave her 3 months to live.
At 11 I couldn’t fully comprehend what was happening. I just knew that my mom was sick, what was happening was really bad and we needed to pray really hard.
My brother was only 3 at the time, and I remember every night he would ask me…where’s mama? The answer: at the hospital. Ok.
By God’s grace, my mama lived 19 years longer than the doctors gave her.
She was able to see me graduate high school, get married and have a son.
My son (her one and only grandchild) was only 9 months old when she passed away. Her health had begun to decline rapidly. We didn’t realize or understand what was happening. My mom had health problems all of my life, but this was more serious. Finally doctors diagnosed…Scirosis of the liver. They weren’t sure what stage. They didn’t know how long she had.
In all of my mothers health issues through the years, she was absolutely one of the most positive people I’ve ever known. Her smile, her laughter was unforgettable. At this last prognosis, she began to change. She was tired and unable to do the things she loved….mainly, taking care of her family. Cooking…playing Scrabble…watching movies together- these were the things she enjoyed. But soon her mind wasn’t right, she was confused and her mobility became extremely limited. I could tell she was fading.
I didn’t want to accept it. I prayed. I held on to hope.
I didn’t want her to miss getting to know her only grandchild. But one night, when things were especially dark, I went into my closet and prayed the hardest prayer- the one I never wanted to pray.
“Lord, if it’s best…just please take her.”
I didn’t want her to suffer any more. My mom. My best friend. I didn’t want to say good-bye. I didn’t know life without her…I didn’t know what that would be like, how it would feel.
God granted me a peace that night. When I came out of my prayer closet, I knew I couldn’t be selfish. He knew best and that’s all I wanted for mama.
Letting go… Never easy.
But what is impossible for man is possible with God.
Not a day goes by that I do not miss my mama.
There are times I think…it’s just not fair.
But in those moments, the peace that passes my understanding washes over me, reminding me…I am not alone and some day soon…I’ll see her again.
A book club pack (10 copies of The Hardest Peace for you and your small group!)
A handcrafted candle
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